Sometimes this is frustrating

Doug and I knew we would have premature babies. It was the nature of this pregnancy. After the laser surgery I had we were told that the babies would need to be born at about 34 weeks. We were okay with that because our oldest was born that early. We didn't think much else would go wrong with the pregnancy because of what had already happened. We didn't think we were exempt from having other problems we just figured not much else would go wrong. It took us by surprise when the babies came at almost 28 weeks. I figured I have dealt with one preemie before I can do it again. So far things have gone well. The babies are doing as well as they can right now. They are still recovering from their surgeries. Both have gained some weight. Baby B is pushing 3lbs!! Baby A is pretty close behind his brother. That is great as well. They are premature though and I am reminded of that almost constantly. Premature babies are different. They really don't like to be touched or talked to because they aren't used to it yet. Last week I was able to touch them and very quietly talk to them. I did notice that sometimes they didn't like it. I think I reached my limit when I tried to touch Baby A last night and he freaked. His oxygen went down. Then I just tried to talk to him and his oxygen level went down again. Then I tried to just sit there and keep close but I had to move my hands out of the isolette that he is in and I had to shut the doors. That was the frustrating part. What were we doing there?! If we couldn't do anything but look we felt useless and in the way. So, after about 5 minutes of just sitting there and only looking we headed for Baby B. We washed our hands and pulled a few chairs close because he always lets us hang out with him. I put my hands over him and the same thing happened. Well, I didn't even bother to talk to him I just pulled my hands out and shut the door. I was seriously frustrated. We really didn't stay for long to stare at him. We left right away. There wasn't a real point to us being there. The nurses felt pretty bad as we left right away. We really didn't say much to anyone on the way out.

We were obviously upset because before the surgery we would be able to always touch them and at least talk to them. Not now. :( I know it isn't a personal front to me, but it would hurt anyone's feelings if they touched their own kid and the breathing would go down right away. You feel as if you are helping the decline of your own child. So, I came home and cried a little on the way home. I am not talking full on sobs but I had some tears. It was extremely frustrating. I know they have been through a lot. I suppose as parents we need to feel the love because we need to know we are wanted and needed. I know there is no way they could have prevented the babies from coming that early. Trust me, they did try but when you go from being dilated 2-8 in one hour there isn't much time for anything. They did try to stop it. So, I know this isn't my fault they are so early. I just want to touch them. I don't think it helped that a lot of parents were also able to hold their babies last night. We haven't been able to do that yet either. I think that adds to the hurt we were feeling. If you would have talked to me last night I would have told you that I didn't want to go back until they were much better in several weeks.

I woke up this morning and I needed to go to the hospital to get some paperwork done. I decided to just pop my head in and say hi. I wasn't going to touch them at all. I honestly didn't want to touch them. I couldn't touch Baby A because he was already having a fit from the nurse touching him too much. I did open the bed he is in and I said hi and that I loved him. His breathing evened out a little bit after I shut the door again. I stayed for a minute to look at him but there is nothing else I can do. So, I went to check in on his brother. Baby B was just waking up for the moment and his nurse took off his eye mask for me. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I wasn't going to touch him either because I don't think I could have been rejected two days in a row. The nurse encouraged me to go and wash my hands so I had the option if I wanted to. His vitals looked fine enough. I washed my hands and opened the little door. I just talked to him though. I wasn't going to touch. I couldn't. As soon as I said his name his eyes popped open and he tilted his head toward me. The nurse loved it. She told me to go ahead and touch him. She could see my hesitation and told me it isn't me, its the noise that he doesn't like and the stimulation from it. I tried. I touched his head and he cuddled right up to my hand. I felt loved again. :) I know they love me but it is nice to see it as well. We did this for a while. Then I put my other hand in and pushed his legs against his body so he was squished together. He really likes that. He was in heaven for the little while I was able to be there. That made me happy. We still can't hold them but for now this works. I still can't wait to hold them; that will be a while though. They both need to be off of their ventilators before that will happen. Like I said, this whole process is frustrating. Patience must be what I am supposed to be learning. Patience is something I don't have a whole lot of. I suppose this is why I must learn patience. :)